What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 28.06.2025 00:53
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But ive been too sick for many years..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
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But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
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That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
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He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
My family never makes their pension either.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
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I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
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His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
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But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I write beautiful poetry .
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Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
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My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I couldn’t, believe it.
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My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I could never make a relationship work though!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
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BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
What is a challenge you never want to face?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But it wasn’t much.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
And i lived it daily.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I said to her
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
What did i know ?
She married twice! .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
(And it was in our own minds.)
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
One cannot live in the past .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I was scared of men, in general
It was going to be , some day.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I will be 64.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Was to survive, this bastard.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
She was in good health!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He resisted the act ,that day.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
We all went to grammer schools
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I think the readers, may guess!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I have no regrets .
He knew the spot.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I waited trembling.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I was 9 years of age.
I don,t even have a pension.
When she asked me how she looked .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
This is soul school!.
But, we were locked up after school.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
All the time i was locked up.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My life is so biszare .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I was seconnd youngest,
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Would this be the day?
She loved him until the end.
So whats the point in blame.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She wouldn,t have been !
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I was very sick at this time too.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
We were not on the streets..
She found it foreign!.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Comes on , in middle age.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Who then, do I blame.?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
So, i spoilt her more .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Ive learnt so much.
Put me off passion for life!!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Im still living with it.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.